Have you ever had a situation where one of your kids. your spouse or your co-worker was telling you something very important and you tuned out, only to find yourself in an awkward moment when they had finished talking and were waiting for your response? Have you ever had an argument with someone that was so heated that while they were making their point, you were thinking of your own response and didn’t hear a word?
If we go by the golden rule that says, “treat others the way you want to be treated,” you can quickly see the need to become a better listener. No one wants to talk to someone who is distracted or thinking about something else instead of listening. I’ve heard people say that they cannot help it. They just get easily distracted. Or their mind wanders. That may be true to some extent for someone who has been clinically diagnosed with something like ADHD, but for most of us, it’s just a matter of retraining ourselves to be better listeners. Here are 4 techniques to becoming a better listener.
- Look at the person. These days it’s easy to scroll through our phones while “listening” to the other person. And while we may be getting used to speaking to someone who is scrolling, nothing feels more respectful than when your spouse or your kid puts down the phone and looks right at you while you talk. Washing dishes when your kid comes in to ask a question or tell you about their day? Turn the water off and turn toward them. Working on the computer? Stop and look up. If you’re in the middle of something, ask for the person to give you a minute while you finish up. Then you can give them your undivided attention.
- Actively listen. You’ve probably heard of this. Basically it’s nodding. Acknowledging. Repeating phrases. Gestures and words that indicate you are really listening.
- Don’t interrupt. Especially when someone is confronting or correcting us, it can be very tempting to interrupt and defend ourselves. We may want to say, “wait, before I forget,” or “that is not true,” or “but last time you.” Though it would be challenging, waiting for the person to finish before you respond would be the most respectful thing to do. You will have a chance to say your peace. Listening does not equal agreement, it simply means you have enough respect for the person to let them finish.
- Make sure you heard it right. When they are finished, especially if it was confrontational, give a summary of what you heard. This will ensure that you are not jumping to conclusions or bringing your own issues into it. Once you both have agreed that you heard it right, now you are better prepared to respond.
Next week I will share some tips on the value of speaking up. For now, remember that it takes practice to listen. But it is a skill worth having. After all, we all want to be heard when we have something to say.