I often see parents at the store, “bribing” their kids to follow them. “Come on. Let’s go. If you come right now, I’ll take you out for ice cream!” Or at the zoo, “Come here so we can take a picture. Come on! If you come and take a picture, we will go to the gift shop and get you a toy. But you have to come right now!” Ooof. Parenting. It can be so challenging. Add a public setting where people are watching and possibly judging, and it can be extra stressful.
There is a little tweak that can be done that could change the whole experience. It’s the “When…Then…” method. When you use this method, suddenly, you’re in control. You’ve moved from defense and begging to offense and in control. Here’s how it works.
The “When… Then…” method creates a clear relationship between effort and reward. Instead of offering unconditional privileges, it teaches that rewards come after responsibilities. For example: “When you brush your teeth, then I’ll read you a story.” “When you come and take the picture, then we can go to the gift shop.” “When you follow me to the checkout, then we will go for ice cream.”
This approach teaches structure, self-discipline, and cause-effect logic. It’s not manipulation or bribery; it’s respectful and consistent routine-building.
To work, the “then” must be something the child values, and parents must stay calm and consistent—no repeating or giving in.
This method is great for creating an environment of peace and order. And when there is peace and order, we enjoy our kids more and get into less power struggles. After all, they are counting on their parents to be in control. When a child is under the impression that they can control their parents, it may seem like they enjoy it, but I think it creates insecurity. If they, as children, can get their parents to do what they want, how can they trust their parents to keep them safe? The “when…then…” method can help assure them.
Try This Today:
*Choose one behavior to reinforce.
*Offer an immediate, meaningful reward.
*Remain calm and avoid repeating instructions.
Know a parent who needs this technique? Send them this article.