“Mom, did you hear me? What did I say?” That was the phrase I was always trying to prevent with my kids. If you have kids, you know that’s no small challenge. They can talk a lot and for a long time. And even though it’s challenging to listen the whole time, the gift of attention is key to building a relationship. Honestly, that question and similar ones can be directed to others as well. Siblings, spouses, friends, colleagues… “Did you hear me?”
The gift of attention is more important than ever these days. Mostly because it’s harder to get. We are competing with phones, computers, television, video games, etc. And the short bursts of information on social media have gotten us used to giving our attention for less than a minute!
There is a level of trust that is built when we listen to others or when others listen to us. We say things like, “She gets me.” or “He gets it.” In a conversation where someone listened to us the whole time, we may walk away feeling that it was a great conversation just because they listened.
On the other hand, when we are not listened to, we feel unimportant to the person we are talking to. Or at least in second place to the phone or device. And our loved ones feel that way too. So how can we improve our listening skills? Here are three things I’m trying to be intentional about so as to give the gift of attention.
Put the phone down. That’s easier said than done. Many of us have normalized the scrolling while listening trend. The person talking just accepts that they are being listened to, but just to make sure, they wait for an “uhu” or a “right” before moving on. Although I am not exempt from this habit, I am trying to put the phone down completely when someone is talking to me unless I’m texting or finishing an email. Then I do number two.
Ask for a second. If I am in the middle of typing a text or sending an email, I ask for a second while I finish up. Then I put the phone down and now the person has my undivided attention.
Leave the phone somewhere else. If we go out to eat, it’s in my purse. If I’m home enjoying family time, it’s in the next room. Unless I’ve made an announcement that I’m waiting for a very important call (I can write a whole other article on the definition of ‘important call’), I’m not picking up the phone while we are spending time together.
I will admit that I don’t like it when I’m at a restaurant with one other person and that person is scrolling through the phone or texting. I don’t like it when I’m talking to someone and they are looking through their phone. And I suspect people don’t like it when I do it either. I think we all much rather have the gift of attention.