Last week I shared about the fact that we all experience family problems at some point in our lives. Whether it’s with our parents, our kids, our spouse, our siblings, family problems are inevitable. The first step in any family problem is realizing that we have one and I shared three things to remember about difficult times. You can read that here. Once we recognize that we are experiencing a family problem, the next step is to collaborate in order to solve the problem. Here are 5 key things I believe are necessary in order to collaborate effectively.
- Ask for help.We’d like to think that we can handle everything ourselves. But the truth is, if we could solve every problem by ourselves, we would have done it already. Part of finding solutions to family problems is admitting that we need help.
- Ask the right people for help. There is a difference between having someone to complain to and having someone to help. Find the person who can help. Also, include the members of the family who are involved in the problem. Coming together to solve a problem is much more productive than informing everyone of what you’re going to do. There is no shared ownership in that and it is harder to sell. You want everyone involved to be part of the solution. This has a much higher possibility of success.
- Be clear about what you want. What I wanted in my example was to enjoy my time with my family. My exhaustion was getting in the way of that. So I wanted a way to re-energize myself. Admittedly, it has been different things at different times. What is it for you now? Do you want more communication? Less arguing between the kids? More peace with extended family? Whatever it is, being clear about what we want helps us focus on getting the help that we need and working specifically on the things that will bring those results.
- Listen to suggestions. The scary part of bringing others into the conversation who can help is that we may not like what they have to say. But that’s ok! You may be surprised to find some good ideas in the mix. The important thing is that everyone feels listened to and is contributing in some way to the solution.
- Empathize with the emotions of family members. Depending on the degree of the problem, there may be a lot of emotions around the table. Even if we don’t understand or agree with the emotions being experienced by others, validation of feelings can go a long way in collaborating. You don’t need to agree, you just need to accept that others may feel differently than you regarding this particular problem. You may find that genuine listening is one of the best ways to get others to listen to you.
Next week I’ll share how we put all those together into an action plan we can put in practice. For now just remember. Collaboration is key in solving family problems. And it may surprise us to see what we can accomplish when we work together.