It started with Arturo and I wanting to visit our son in Seattle. I looked at airline prices and saw a good deal. Would any of our kids like to go too? I sent out a quick text. “Dad and I are going to Seattle to visit Miguel for such and such dates. We found tickets for this price….anyone want to join us? You pay for your flight and we will rent a place for us to stay.” To our surprise, 4 of our 5 adult kids said yes! The one who said no already had plans to travel with his family. I was so amazed once again that our adult kids would want to hang out with us. As a special bonus, we were there for my birthday! I don’t claim to have a handle on parent relationships with adult children, but here are 3 things I think have been helpful in mine.
- Flexibility in who will be there. I realize my kids have their own lives. And while I really love having my whole family together, I had to be ok with whatever they decided. Our oldest, for example, had already invested and planned on a family vacation of their own, so they were not able to make it. Likewise, if any of the otheres were not able to make it, I was ready to support their decision as well.
- Flexibility with the schedule. Every person who has invested time and money on a vacation is expecting certain things to come out of it. Flexibility is key. While Miguel and I did most of the planning, we were open to everyone’s input on what each day would look like. Whether or not each person had an opinion was not as important as giving them space to have one. That also included giving them space to say, “I think I’ll sit that one out.” Respecting everyone’s individual need for space is important.
- Flexibility with quality time. While we spent most of the day together, I know that Arturo and I do not have to be involved in every event or plan of the day. After dinner, Arturo and I were pretty much done for the day, but the kids kept going. I could hear their talking and laughing from our room. I love that!
I’d love to take credit for our relationship with our kids, but the truth is, our kids are great! I love spending time with them. However, I do know that they are adults and have their own lives to live. Some of them will be around for the holidays, some will have plans elsewhere. My job as the parent of adult children is to be flexible. Be flexible with who will be there, flexible with what the schedule will look like, and flexible with the amount of quality time we get spend together.