Arturo and I shared a Valentine’s message at the church of dear pastor friends. We divided our 40 years of marriage into four stages — one decade at a time. Over the next four weeks, I’ll share each stage. If you’re married or in a long-term relationship, I’ll likely touch on the season you’re living right now.
Stage 1: The Getting to Know Each Other Stage
No matter how long you dated, once you live together you discover things you never knew — not because they were hidden, but because they never came up. The first ten years are full of these discoveries. Couples often argue about standards of “clean,” laundry days, dishes in the sink, sleep schedules, and money management — and that’s just the beginning.
For many couples, children arrive during this decade, introducing a whole new level of discovery — and disagreement. Who gets up at night? How long do we let the baby cry? Should the baby sleep with us? How do we discipline, correct, and instruct? There is no shortage of material to work through.
We also learn how to give. Ready or not, marriage and parenting require sacrifice. Before kids, I refused to get out of bed for anything — another blanket, a glass of water, nothing. Those expectations disappear quickly. After long days, there are still meals to cook, people to care for, and responsibilities waiting.
Add personal struggles, childhood wounds, fears, ego, and pride — the “regular stuff” we all bring — and the stress of these years makes sense.
But all is not lost. Thriving in the first decade means learning skills and collecting tools. For us, that meant finding a church, attending marriage classes, reading books, praying, and building relationships with honest people who had gone before us. Every new lesson went into our relational toolbox: communication skills, wisdom from Proverbs, and guidance from seasoned couples.
The first ten years are not easy. Without tools — or if we ignore them — we may wonder if we made a mistake. But building a foundation of healthy practices now prepares us for what comes next.
We’ll talk about Stage 2 next week.