Two weeks ago I wrote about 4 techniques to becoming a better listener. Today I would like to share 4 techniques to speaking up. First, let me say that it is always important to speak up when we think there is something wrong or when we have an opinion about something that is important to us. Many people would rather not say anything so as not to stir the pot. They think that by not speaking up they will conserve the peace. But peace is not the absence of conflict. It is often on the other side of it. In fact peace that is absent of conflict is not real peace. So let’s talk about 4 techniques to be effective in speaking up.
- Remain calm. It is still the number one recommendation to wait to have an important discussion until you have had a chance to be calm. This is the opposite of what most of us want to do. When we are angry or offended, that is when we want speak up. But that is when we have the least amount of control We want to always be in a position to respond rather than react. So wait until you and the person you will be speaking with are calm.
- Think about what you want. It may seem obvous, but in reality we don’t always know what we want. Usually we more aware of what we don’t want. For example, if your partner gets home late for dinner everyday, what do you really want? For them to get there on time no matter what? Or that they let you know that they’re not going to make it, since not letting you know if a lack of respect to the time you have spent cooking and trying to have dinner ready by a certain time? So before you start the conversation, think about what you really want. In the example above, what we really want, is respect.
- Start with “I”. If you think about it, being open to criticism is a little difficult. And when someone starts the conversation with “You,” our wall immediately goes up. “You said this.” “You did that.” If we want to have a productive conversation, we need to start “I”. “I feel…” I think…” “I would like…” It is a posture that leaves opportunity for the other person to listen.
- Cover one topic at a time. It is very tempting to go down a rabbit trail when we start talking about a hot topic. It may relate to another topic, it may be a recurrence, and it may stir up memories of past experiences. But don’t do it! Stick to the topic you started. Focus on what you want. You have a better chance of getting to a point of agreement if you focus on one topic at a time.
We have now covered two of the three recommendations for effective communication. Listen and Speak. Next week I will share the third and final tip, Cooperation.