When we moved from the city to the suburbs, one of the things I did not anticipate was the discrimination and microaggressions my kids would experience growing up in a mostly white community. In fact, in the year 2000, I didn’t even know what the word microaggression meant! The Merriam Webster gives this definition: a comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group (such as a racial minority).
Here are some examples of microaggressions.
“You speak good English!” (the message is that you’re not American)
“You are so articulate.” (it’s unusual for someone of your race to be intelligent)
“When I look at you I don’t see color.” (Denies someone’s ethnic experience)
Being followed by security at a store.
There are so many more, and they are not just race related. Some are gender related as well.
How do we help our kids navigate these experiences? Here are some things that I did and some that I could have done better.
We can’t hide our kids from it but we can have conversations and help them process, navigate through it and come up with possible responses. It is also important for them to know that other people’s opinions or prejudices do not define them. Other people’s disrespect does not determine their worth. Helping children develop a strong sense of identity gives them a foundation that is not easily shaken by the comments of others.
Confidence often comes from preparation. Parents can help by brainstorming with them different responses to common situations. When words are given to their feelings and microaggressions are explained, it validates our children’s feelings about something that was said that didn’t sit right. When they know what to say and how to say it, they are less likely to feel powerless in difficult situations.
Equally important is teaching our children not to become bitter. Hurt people often hurt others. While we should never excuse disrespectful behavior, we can help our children understand that responding with dignity is often more powerful than responding with anger.
Life will not always be fair, and people will not always be kind. Our goal is not to raise children who are surprised by these realities, but children who are equipped to face them. When we teach resilience, self-respect, and grace under pressure, we prepare our children not only to endure challenges but to grow stronger because of them.
The greatest lesson may be this: We cannot control how others treat us, but we can choose the character with which we respond.