On our 20th anniversary, I realized something that felt monumental to me — I had officially been married longer than I had been single. We married when I was 19. Two weeks after our 20th anniversary, I turned 40… and was surprised with not one, but two birthday parties that year.
The third decade of marriage brings change. Big change. If you have children, they’re usually graduating high school and college during this season. Careers might look different. Bodies change. Emotions shift. Energy isn’t the same. All of those natural transitions touch the marriage in one way or another.
And then life adds its own unexpected storms.
By the time a couple reaches this stage, much depends on what they’ve built in the previous decades. Every year builds on the one before it. What we’ve learned and practiced strengthens us in crisis. What we’ve ignored or postponed fixing becomes magnified under pressure.
Let’s talk about one common example: menopause.
I can’t believe how many times we’ve sat with a couple in this third stage and heard someone say, “The problem is menopause.” As if that one biological change explains everything. It breaks my heart to think that a woman would believe that and take total responsibility.
Are there real physical and emotional changes? Of course. Do they impact relationships? Absolutely.
But menopause is not the cause of all marital problems.
In my experience, many times it simply lowers a woman’s tolerance for what she has quietly endured for years. It often arrives at the same time men experience their own midlife questions. We suddenly realize we likely have less time ahead than behind. And we begin asking: Is this the direction I want to keep going?
That’s often when boundaries are formed. When women begin to say, “I want to be treated differently.” If the couple manages to hear each other out at this stage, their relationship will deepen and they will enjoy the joys coming their way together. Graduations, more freedom to be together, and maybe even weddings!
As a person of faith, there are some words that Jesus said that have guided much of my life: “No one takes my life; I give it willingly.”
I believe deeply in free will. It is a gift from God that has been given to me to steward. While I don’t control everything, I do control my own decisions. My words. My actions and my reactions. I offer my life to that which gives it purpose. To continue to grow into the best version of myself. No one takes my life — I give it willingly.
Those thoughts grew louder in stage three.
But perhaps the clarity to say them out loud… came from stage four.